The alarm goes off. 5am. Instantly, the snooze button is tapped like the send button on a passionate Facebook reply. “Nope. Not today. I’ll start tomorrow.” Why? Why is “not today” our reflexive response? Simple--it’s what’s always been done, it’s habitual behavior.

However, the relief of the “not today” finds itself mixed with “But, I really do want to change! I’m ready! But, I’m not a morning person. I don’t like vegetables. There’s no time to cook healthy food. And, I can’t do it-” all in the same string of thoughts.

Here. This is where I lived, and it was misery. At 17 I gained 20 lbs in one summer due to a dramatic, yet sneaky, change in my lifestyle and habits. Feeling puffy, depressed, exhausted, and incredibly frustrated, I turned to extremes rather than reflection. Taking a single moment to reflect on the major changes in my life: quitting basketball, taking on two jobs, and partying the stress away-why think about that?

Instead I turned to the most logical, given RESULTS is what I was after and as QUICKLY as humanly possible: the Slim Fast Diet! Calorie and fat restriction-- like it’s 1999! As someone who gives 110% of herself to every commitment, this diet is no exception. In about 8 weeks, the weight was down, while running was constant. The “success” of it fed my unhealthy desire to control things in order to avoid the root cause of gaining the weight in the first place. While red flags signaled me all the way, the one that flapped the loudest was the belief that the only way to stay thin(and therefore healthy) was to stay addicted to the control of the diet. And the diet consumed me like a full-time job. When not followed perfectly, the resulting guilt and shame became overwhelming and would even determine my value and worth. The result was an odd and unbalanced attachment to food. It was all I could think about--I was either on it or off it--both were very extreme and unsustainable.

It took far too long to realize that the diet didn’t and couldn’t change my unhealthy habits--the root cause to my weight gain in the first place.

So, what makes living a healthy lifestyle so different than dieting? Here are the top twelve signs I noticed as I ditched the diets and healed my body and mind, then sustained for more than a decade:

Food is no longer good or bad. Everything is consumed without guilt. My body responds to true hunger.
Food choices are made out of a strong desire to feel physically and mentally AWESOME which are natural, whole foods, in balance, when hungry.
In life situations where I have no control over the food, I just eat what is available, appropriately responding to hunger and making the most balanced decision possible.
My meal plans, grocery lists and home are filled with food that makes me feel awesome.
Junk food cravings and consumption is rare because of the physical and mental side-effects.
The eating experience is pleasurable every time.
Exercise is habitual, treasured, planned.
I crave real food, especially vegetables.
Total elimination of allergenic foods is non-negotiable: for me, that means no gluten, no dairy, shellfish…
Quality sleep, 7-8 hours, is a top priority.
When an emotional or physical need is not being met, I find ways to fill that need in a non food way (non-food nourishment or NFN)
Cooking from scratch is always the norm alongside meal planning
It took some time to relearn my body’s signals and what it was originally created to do. This is the case for people who struggle as I once did. Society sent the lie-filled messages long ago: “Food is love! Treat yourself! You deserve it! You earned it! You can’t resist! You can’t trust yourself around food!” WRONG: food is food. It is a pleasure while also necessary to sustain life, but not to fulfill non hunger or thirst needs. The quality of life that comes from making healthy choices every day is, truthfully, one of the most loving actions we can take for ourselves and anyone we care about!

Real, whole food, organically raised: none of the words in that sentence even existed when I was growing up. The buzz words then were: convenient, easy, crowd-pleasing- which meant one thing- casserole! When I reflect on childhood meals, I remember eating together around the table; I remember laughing at my dad's bad jokes; I remember my mom eating what I had methodically separated, and I remember my brother having to wait until I was finished eating before he could escape with his friends. Basically, none of what I remember about eating was the food.

Five years ago, my dad passed away after a battle with cancer. Just prior to that, we had made some changes to our schedule that had allowed me to be home more during the day. Feeling inspired, I began figuring out how to create at home the food that I had normally purchased. In the kitchen, I am determined, methodical and s l o w.....it takes me for-ev-er to cut, chop, slice and dice. In short, my family would devour in less than 15 minutes what had taken me hours (and sometimes days) to prep and create. When my dad died, so did my love for all that food prep.

Strangely enough, I grieved him through taste. Dad had an unapologetic love for donuts that I never understood. Yet, when I no longer had dad, all I wanted were donuts. Every single time we stopped for ice cream, Dad would get butter pecan. I never understood. After dad passed, I couldn't stop my cravings for all things butter pecan, including those strange 'maple nut goodie candies?! What was happening? How could I have gone from spending days preparing whole, real foods to sustaining myself on a variety pack of TimBits & Maple Nut Goodies (thank you Tim Horton's & Brach's, by the way). It was as if my mind and heart were at odds and somehow my food cravings were the mediators. After a few months, I prayerfully said out loud, "Dad, I love and miss you! And, I have to break up with the donuts. There has to be another way for me to grieve your loss."

That time away from the hours of preparation allowed me to realize a few things: 1-it's not realistic for me spend hours making meals, 2-did anyone even realize all the time involved in making the meals and were they supposed to, and 3-I cannot live on donuts, alone.

Fast forward to about 2 years ago. On a slow Sunday morning, Mr. Wonderful and I were watching a cooking show. There was a fantastic recipe called something like sweet potato hash. They had my attention at sweet potato, but 'hash' had me confused. My experience with food titled hash was more akin to...well...yuck. But, this recipe just roasted the sweet potatoes, added some spinach and served it with a fried egg. Wait. That was real, whole food that didn't require extraordinary preparation?! Wasn't that the best of both worlds?!

That recipe was the turning point. Suddenly, Mr. Wonderful and I started using an hour of our Sunday together to peel, chop, and roast veggies for the week ahead. It happened! That one hour transformed how we cook, what we cook, even what we crave. Maybe it's the fact that we prep together, or maybe it's that we have fresh, real, organic food that's ready to use for the week, simplifying all our recipes. Until this moment, I'm not sure that I even thought too much about it. But, what I know is that finally, we have found a way to create better meals, in less time that everyone loves- and wouldn't dad love to see that?! I bet he'd even have a joke about it.

Jane Robrahn is a wife-mother-madrasta-educator-yogi-nutrition enthusiast. As an adopted person, she is an advocate for both adoption & autism awareness. Audrey met Jane, first, as a high school student, then, as a teacher, and eventually became deeply connected as healthy striving, writing-loving friends.

Follow her adventures of life as a late bloomer on her blog.

From Diet to Healthy Lifestyle

Food + Grief = Growth